Clinical psychologist Stephen B. Poulter, Ph.D., has observed a troubling pattern in his practice: men often ignore their mental and physical health until a crisis forces them to act. In some cases, that crisis is a heart attack.
Poulter describes three male clients, ages 28, 36, and 44, who experienced sudden cardiac arrest during therapy sessions while discussing painful emotions such as anger, hopelessness, and romantic loss. All three men felt intense chest pressure, tingling in their arms, and shortness of breath. They wondered aloud whether they were having a heart attack or a panic attack. Each dismissed the idea of a panic attack, despite having experienced them before, and immediately sought emergency medical care.
According to Poulter, getting that medical attention saved their lives. He notes that all three men later admitted they had felt similar physical and emotional symptoms in the days before their heart attacks but ignored them.
Poulter includes himself in the group of men who postpone preventive medical care. He says he made excuses such as not having time, having a high insurance deductible, or being busy building his practice. While running, he tore a vertebral artery at the base of his neck and suffered a stroke that almost killed him. Within 10 seconds, he was completely paralyzed on his right side. He says he knew he was dying and pleaded with his higher self to spare his life.
During the first 48 hours, Poulter regained about 95% of his movement. He spent eight days in the intensive care unit. Every doctor he met lectured him about how lucky he was not to be permanently paralyzed or dead. He says the medical crisis changed his life, forcing him to confront issues of avoidance, health, work-life balance, and buried personal problems. It took six months before he felt fully back in his body.
Mind and body cannot be separated
Poulter argues that men often rely on a crisis to address their health, while women are typically more attuned to their bodies. He draws a comparison to smoking bans in California. When smoking was allowed indoors, it became clear that smoke could not be contained to designated areas. Similarly, he says, emotional and mental health cannot be separated from physical health.
Chinese medicine, Poulter notes, is based on the idea that everything in a person’s life is interconnected. When there is disharmony from unresolved issues, illness, money worries, or other life factors, that imbalance can create disease in the body over time. He calls it a scientific principle that all systems within an organism work together for the good of the whole.
Poulter warns that living like a robot is not sustainable. He says a man cannot live only in his head. Being cerebral is not bad, but it cannot be the only way to function emotionally and relationally. Avoiding feelings, he says, eventually leads to catastrophe: loss of relationships with children, poor health, isolation, divorce, rage, contempt toward family, and overall unhappiness.
He recounts that countless men who sat in his office were extremely wealthy and professionally powerful but emotionally and psychologically bankrupt. He says a man cannot work 14 hours a day, drink only coffee or energy drinks, eat fast food, skip sleep, and argue with the competition, and then expect a good emotional outcome. A healthy life is a composite of multiple factors working together.
Poulter points to NBA All Star John Wald as an example of a man who is rich, gifted, and famous but not invincible. Wald dealt with a possible career-ending knee injury and the struggles of physical recovery. He publicly said, “Yo, I need some f**king help! Those six words changed my life!” Poulter says most men think they are the only ones who struggle with physical and emotional issues, but men are more similar than dissimilar.
Poulter encourages men to ask themselves three questions: Have you noticed a physical sensation in your body while talking about emotionally charged issues? What is your body currently saying to you? How are you creating physical and emotional balance in your life? He says these questions can help men reconnect with lost or forgotten parts of their lives.
